Top Ten Tips + Expert Advice for new SAHMs

So now that I've been working this new gig as a full time stay at home mom for two full months now, I think I'm qualified to share some newfound wisdom. Or, at the very least, I guess I feel like I've earned the right to subject you to my chaotic mom ramblings. The transition from the career driven world we once occupied, ladies, into the world of a happy homemaker isn't, well, always happy. It's been an incredibly rough journey for me, at least, which may be compounded by the fact that I returned from a week vacation to a surprise from my boss. Guess what?! You no longer have a job! As a result, our lives have been topsy-turvy and it's caused me to reevaluate a lot of things, including our budget, lifestyle, my career, the kind of person I am and want to be. In other words, to quote my beloved Dixie Chicks in the song "I'm Not Ready to Make Nice," it turned my whole world around, and I kinda like it.

So here are some hints, tips, bits of advice, myths busted, and that sort of thing:

1) Your to-do list will be longer than it ever was when you were working outside of the home. Being here, you realize things like ants come inside and carry away stray Cherrios (need to spray) and your oven is coated in black (time for a cleaning).

2) You will never be able to keep up with this lengthy to-do list because you'll be too busy changing diapers, giving baths, getting out dress up clothes, wait, filling the swimming pool, and now turning on the sprinkler, and getting rid of that cat puke before your baby eats it, oh, it's too late, so you'd better get online to see if you need to call poison control over this one, and then you find out it's okay so you check Perez Hilton for the latest celebrity checking into catch my drift.

3) Have a box of wine in your kitchen and don't be afraid to use it.

4) There will be days where your daughter eats nacho cheese CornNuts for breakfast and never changes out of her pajamas. And it's okay.

5) Your new boss may be just as difficult and demanding as your old one, or even more so. You still have to clean up her shit, deal with her tantrums, listen to her whining and do everything for her. But this one gives cuddles, kisses, smells yummy and loves you.

6) You never have to wear nylons again. In fact, you can wear your favorite Levis, tank top, and flip flops every day of the week, ladies.

7) Your house will be messier now that you are in it full time with two kids under 5 than it ever was before. This came as a surprise to me at first. It will not be clean. Ever.

8) Schedules be damned. You had enough accounting for your time at your former workplace. At first, I tried to designate this day to laundry and that day to storytime at the library. It became impossible to stick to and I just felt like a failure (which god knows I don't need). Also, it's the beginning of summer. We make smores in the firepit past bedtime and play too long at the park.

9) Join Facebook. Or Twitter. Start a blog. Or at least surf the web to see what other new SAHMs are doing, feeling, hating, loving, and learning. This can be an isolating profession in many ways, and it's nice to know you aren't alone.

10) This new career is harder than my last one. But it is also more meaningful and fun. Take it for what it is - enjoy napping with your baby, teaching your toddler to build sandcastles, wearing a tiara and a clown nose all day long. Clip coupons, bake cookies for your neighbors, have a yard sale. Don't worry about tweezing your eyebrows today and, sometimes, let happy hour start at 4pm.